Fear

I constantly find myself being controlled by anxiety, by fear, by worry. By something dark and controlling, gnawing at the back of my mind. In the past, I second-guess myself daily. I was so afraid of living, of life, of being myself. There were too many expectations for me to fulfill, too many things I cannot control, causing me to lose confidence, lose faith and eventually lose myself. 

I stumbled upon this and realised it made so much sense. 

What am I afraid of? What do I have to lose? 

.....

You have to tell yourself that "No man or woman, is going to come out alive at the end". 

We all are going to die. That's the future we all hold. 

So in the mean time, you have to tell yourself that whatever happens from now on, you are not going to be afraid anymore, even if it means someone putting a gun over your head. 

Let go. 

Let go of past mistakes. 
Let go of the achievements.
Let go of the fictitious ego in head. 
Let go of the people who drag you down.
Let go of the dreams that are too stressful for your happiness. 
Let go of rejection. 

You have nothing in your hand, to protect forever. 

No money. No life. No relationship. No family. Nothing. One day everything is going to be taken away from you. 

You can't have things forever. So why you are holding that fear?

What that fear is going to offer you that you find worth sticking onto?

Future doesn't exist. We create it, either by ourselves or by letting others take some actions that affect our life. 

Why are you afraid of something that doesn't exist?

Life's Fool

I don't know what's so bad about being single? Seriously, what's so bad about it?

So many people are influenced by the idea that having a partner is the key to a happy life and being in a relationship is like a necessity, an ideal. But to me, it's hard work and commitment and right now, I have no energy for that. Especially when I haven't sorted myself out yet.

I know, human beings are societal creatures. We have habitual instincts to stay in packs and not alone. But being single does not mean you live alone in the Amazon. Being single just means you are free to do what you want without putting anything else above self-improvement. Being single does not make me unworthy or less desirable, it does not put me in a state where I pity myself. It just make me focus on me and what I would do in life.

Most girls I know need constant validation, they need someone to make them happy again, they need someone to make them feel protected. They need someone. Period.

I, on the other hand, hates being dependent. Being dependent locks me in a cage. I know, sometimes, I do need help, encouragement and company from others. But I enjoy doing things on my own, I enjoy having my 'touch' on my work. I am working towards being self-sufficient. I am working towards self-improvement. And most important of all, I have a dream. And to achieve that dream, I realise it's not going to be straight forward. There's not going to be a shortcut. I need to continuously push myself for another 15 years(minimum) before I get there. And whatever negative things people hurl at me during my process of reaching there will just fall upon deaf ears.

What I am trying to say is, being in a relationship is not a priority now. Sorry, but I am not going to go on some crazy Scavenger hunt like a female dog during mating season. I only live once and I would regret if I didn't work hard or put efforts towards my dream. I was dejected two years ago and had gone into a situation where 'I don't give a damn about everything anymore' because the sign boards were showing me to another direction. I was very very upset and I let my emotions get hold of me. I would say, right now I have accepted it. It's not going to be an easy job. But it's a route I need to take to get where I have always wanted to be. Sometimes you have to do something you hate to get something you like.

People like J.K.Rowling and Coco Chanel did not start out rich. No one had paved paths for them. Some people had it easy with luck and connections and shitload of money. But what's the meaning of something if you haven't work hard for it. When I could finally grasp my ambition, I want to be able to say, I sacrificed my happiness for this, I sacrificed my freedom and dignity. I sacrificed part of my life. And the outcome, no matter what it is, will be a fulfilling one.

I do not think like the typical girl. Getting married is cool but it is not a medal of achievement. Having a bf for pocket money is only what the lowest of the low would do and using your physique to gain societal status is just plain cheap. Materials can make you happy, but it will never be an everlasting happiness. I do not want my self esteem to suffer because I allow toxic people to impose their frivolous expectations on me. I do not want anyone to disturb the peace of mind I've cultivated to grow positive and engaging thoughts. If you're trying to judge me or is trying to influence me with your bad aura, then sorry, I would just do anything to put a wall between us.

For now, I am all about loving myself and nurturing my soul so that it is in balance with the forces of nature. I want to live a quiet and peaceful life and just work constantly and happily towards something I really want.

To be named

This is the summer of 2015.

Today I have a revelation. Part of my soul had risen above. Since then, I have flipped the pages, closed the book, never finishing it. It was a subconscious act and all this while, I thought I was so strong. I was hanging on that last piece of thread. Alas, it was fictional reality.

He did me a favour despite everything. He tied up everything, just what I needed, with a bow. Even though it wasn't the color I preferred. And I was compelled with delightful sorrow and relief.

For some time, I had a monologue in my head. It was like a narrator in my own voice. It calmed me in a weird way no one else could.

I have never found myself on the ends of a stick. I was partly this, somewhat that. I was a little this, and not enough of that. I was like a series of unfinished business.

The longer I dug, I realised everyone was deeper within.

It was pathetic. I've never seen anyone forcing love to drown a tangled mess of subpar emotions. You do not use love, it uses you.

I have a odd habit of speaking to strangers. The woman who ate alone at the fast food joint. The postal delivery guy. The man in the five-dollar store. I felt so comfortable to be layered by a sense of anonymity.

I have always been known, gossiped, talked about. I was always the bull's eye. I tried so hard to be perfect but I was chasing clouds, trying to keep them in a jar. It was impossible.

Why Am I Never Active On Facebook?

To the annoyance of my friends, I can never be reached through Facebook message. I don't know anything if it's posted on Facebook. Why? That's because Facebook, to me, is like an extremely catty and nosy overweight lady who lived down the street. And Facebook feeds me information I don't wanna know and I don't care less about. So, you know, Facebook friends, I am not going to willingly be your 'audience' when you harp about your new gadget, your new watch and trying to act like some self-entitled brat with your crap self-advertising.

1. I feel I am putting myself out there to be judged. Every time I post something, it's frightening, I know some viscious person out there will be miscontrueing and misunderstanding my words or even my actions. People will 'think' they know me when in fact, they don't and they never will. I don't want to be treated and judged just because of a status. And it's not because I am self-conscious. I think it's annoying if I wanna add a photo on MY profile and Facebook has to tell everyone I have just added it. Well, Facebook, did I ask you to do that? Well, you're such a big mouth.
2. I judge people more. Because it's out there, convenient and easy. And it makes me put people into labels just because of what's on Facebook. And if I don't like what they post on Facebook, it makes me not like them in person. And yup, that's unfair.
3. It's a place for social-climbing addicts. Well, if you're a legit public figure, I get it. You have to make known the dates of your book-signing event or the screening of your new movie. Facebook allows unknowns, usually model wannabes to make a page and call themselves 'public figure'. And I hate it when a 'friend' likes them and all of a sudden I have to view it on my newsfeed too. Facebook, to make it clear, just because a friend likes it doesn't mean I do. And what is seen cannot be unseen.
4. It's a place for self-promotion. "Checking into the Hilton" "Got caviar all over my lips" "I have a wardrobe full of MK bags, but it doesn't hurt to have another one" Okay, we get it, you're rich but must you shove it all into people's faces together with those presumptuous and self-entitled sentences that accompany your photos? You can buy designer bags all you want but what's the point of posting it on social media? Exactly, you have low self-esteem and trying too hard to make yourself feel superior.
5. Place for lick-assers. And funny thing is, there are some people with no life who would like and comment on those self-promoting posts. fueling more and more people to self-advertise in future because they're hungry for admiration. Facebook breeds a bad community.
6. Friends on Facebook are not real friends. 
7. I don't get to choose the information I wanna see. Facebook feeds me everything. Statuses with bad spellings. Statuses framing people. Lick-assers' comments. Shallow and materialistic thinking like 'couple goals' and equivalent trash. Facebook, with your ability to extract personal info, can't you at least find out that I am allergic to trash? Couples holding hands, is that sighnificant enough to publish to the world? Pathetic. People would tell me, let them be. Hell-no! It annoys me. And when I am annoyed, my bp spikes and that's bad for my health and overall well-being. So yeah, it affects me negatively and the little hope I have for the society dips down.
8. People trynna fake it till they make it. Drinking party with friends. Having high-tea looking like a high class hooker. Seductive selfie with red lips. Letter of acceptance to Cambridge. All the things people do to make people believe they are living the dream. If you are really living the dream, you wouldn't bother taking pics to post on Facebook. Because who cares about other people or Facebook. You are already living The Dream.
9. Facebook brings people together? Yeah, so they can have more news to bitch about one another. 
10. Bad English. I am dying as I read the post and statuses that have gone viral on Facebook. How can something so badly written get so many views and likes? Aliens, please abduct me.

And despite that, with or without Facebook, I get judged anyways. Not having Facebook means you're outdated. Not having Facebook means you are boring and probably lame. Not having Facebook means you do not have an access to the Net. Not having Facebook means you don't have a smart phone. Not having Facebook means you don't have friends. Look, how Facebook have moulded the life of young adults into thinking in two-dimension and judging their self-worth based on materialistic endeavours, cheap fame and vanity. Sad society.