Clueless

Although I started out early, I started out clueless. 

Falling Slowly

Burst of annoyance. Nothing is going right and I have so many but somewhat unacessary things to do despite it being the holidays. 

Heard it 7 years ago, loved it and still love it now.

Shhh

Strange how this is a personal blog yet I can't bring myself to talk about certain things. Some things are always going to be deep beneath you, intimate and personal. Like how I lost my trust and faith. It's a scary experience really and I got my lesson, it's just hard to undo the fact and put myself in a vulnerable spot where I might be treated the same way again.Well, if there are minor red flags, that is it. It's like warning signals, ringing bells. I am a hypersensitive snuff fluff. :/ 

All I want

I know it's too early for a Christmas wish but I am giving Santa and the reindeers enough time for preparation so they wouldn't screw it up. I just want my life to be filled with nice, encouraging and supportive people. Because currently, there's a lack of it. That's all I want in life at the moment. I know this is silly, but the great powers of the universe and cosmos,please, please grant my wish.

Familiarity

When the curiousity and excitement and the crisp newness has worn off, what is left is familiarity.

You know you are blessed when your family try to send your 'home' to you. Multiple times.

Woke up feeling happy

I woke up feeling happy today.

.....

Random thoughts. 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched-they must be felt with the heart.

I think a lot of people compare their insides to other people's outsides.

You are the ink of my skin, you are the laugh lines.

I just want to pour out my soul to someone and not worry about the mess I've made.

There's time we can waste and there's time we must treasure, please have both with me.

You are beautiful because you let yourself love and that is a very, very, very, very, very brave thing indeed.

Your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you.

Never

Home

Having a blog is therapeutic. It's like a free dumping space for unnecessary feelings. Once I write a post, I wouldn't feel anything anymore after that. It's like my blog helps me to get rid of those bitter thoughts. Way better than caffeine and sugar which brings upon avalanches of guilt later.

You know what, I miss home. I know I've started living away from home for three years now and it's extremely rare that I feel homesick. But I do now.

It's The Thought That Counts

Got a torn sticker and a small note from the patient's little daughter. She called me 'Aunty' which made me feel old. But anyway, such a sweet gesture. Even though they didn't have much, she still thought about giving something to someone else. Me=touched. 

Peonies

Can just stare at them all day.

Sucks :(

I should stop knowing about anything else that happens in the world because it makes me feel more suckish about myself.
Why are some people just so freaking lucky? 

I desperately need some lucky vibes too!

Btw, been obsessed with anything which have (pickled olives + tomato ricotta pesto) recently, separately of course. So obsessed.

To conclude, my blog is all about me being dramatic about life events. It's pretty pointless actually. But I want to look back years from now and laugh at my own nonsense, so be it. 

Daily Grind

Somebody help me. I need a permanent energy booster.

Oatmeal In A Jar

Oatmeal in a Jar : 

What you need: 

1/2 cup quick-cooking rolled oats,1 tbsp. chia seeds, agave syrup, fresh fruit, greek yogurt and milk.

 Directions: 

1. Add the oats and chia seeds to the mason jar.

 2. Add any type of fresh fruit. {peaches, strawberries, bananas} 

3. Drizzle on a little agave syrup and few spoonfuls of yogurt. 

4. Top it off with fresh milk and then shake. 

5. Let it sit overnight in the fridge.

First You Say You Won't,Then You Say You Will

Just, meh. And the meh feeling continues.:)

Green Tea, Sushi and Comforters

 Time flew by this week. It happened so fast. After each sunshine, night falls. Every day, I learnt something new. I learnt that it's foolish to always put others above yourself but I would do it anyway. In the end, I am calm and at peace with myself and that's the only thing that matters.

.....

Yes, maybe you're right. I would never find anyone who would think of me as you do. And I would keep repeating my mistakes. But I have to thank you for seeing things in me that I have never seen myself. And thank you for liking me even though it might be as small as a speckle of dust. I am sorry I wasted your time due to my inconsistencies and inability to make up my mind. 

I don’t know where we are connected, but I’m sure the knot is somewhere in a strange distant world-Haruki Murakami

Late October

It's time for:

Deja Vu

It's so hard for me to do it even though it isn't the first time. It's hard for me to do it every single time. Why must this happen over and over again? To know you did something that has the possibility to hurt someone in any way possible. To know your uncertainty not only affects you but also somebody else. How can you sit back and let your vagueness be doomed upon others when they have deserved so many more things that you can never offer?

And lastly, why are they all puzzles that can never seem to fit? Life, stop playing games with me already.

Uncertainty

:)

First weekend in what felt like centuries when I can stay indoors and just lie in bed. And not do a single thing. Funny how when I have time in my hands, I choose to do nothing. (I know I'll regret this...)

Some Things

That simple

Remember to Stop to Smell The Flowers

So many thoughts in my mind the past week. :) Funny how when I reread whatever I have written I just feel plain foolish and start questioning myself, "Was I in my right mind when I wrote this?" I sure as hell need more endorphines in my system.

I know I am all about 'chasing my dreams' and all that crap but sometimes, happiness might just be the prerequisite for all of it. That's what I have been missing. Probably. 

Been talking about childhood memories with the roomie and I realised how different our growing-up experiences were. How we all started out as ingenues and then strangely morph into something else and how I couldn't remember exactly when cynicism and sarcasm started to proliferate inside me and toxify my brain.

On a side note, I believe everyone who crossed your path in life has a certain role. It's either they are here to help you out or teach you a lesson.

Ode

Dear sky and earth,

I choose to whisper my thoughts to you. Of all the misfortune and pebbles that hurt the sole of my feet as I walk along this twisted path, there's a clarity in me; and I am out here to seek for peace and the truth. To have all the sorrow to be added to my debt, I would rather see it in mine rather than anyone else's. The song of woe and misery is beautiful in my ears. They reminded me that to be able to feel is human. This bleak and morbid outlook of life might annoy and irritate the ignorants for it is them who are lucky enough to be blessed with abundance. To learn that the world itself is far from the ideal, it is like swallowing a bitter pill.

Forgive those who have mistreated us.

Life's A Riddle

Your life can twist and change in the space of six hours.

Time is not like long stretchy candy. It isn’t infinite.

Your days are shorter now. Do you see that?

Never rely on your dreams as a means of escape.

They are not real.

Even though you’re breathing normally, it’s always there.

In the corner of your eye, you can see it resting.

Sometimes things are not going to be okay.

Call your family more often. They miss you more than you know.

The words “I love you” are not to be used as punctuation.

Say a word over and over again and it loses its meaning.

It becomes a mess of syllables. It tangles up in its limbs.

Chase through all of the Augusts in your life.

Keep your eyes wide open. Look around you.

Take it all in. You came with nothing, you leave with nothing.

Believe in something bigger than yourself.

Once in a while, it’s okay to talk to imaginary people.

Write more letters to people. They smile when they see you.

You might be the only thing that keeps someone smiling.

Be careful with how you say goodbye.

-Pavorst

Life Lessons

1.Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, prettier, luckier and have connections…” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.  
Neil Simon.

2. Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world. It requires profound purpose, larger-than-self kind of understanding. Bill Bullard.

3.Give up defining yourself-to yourself or to others. And don't be concerned by how others define you. When they define you, they're limiting themselves, so it's their problem. When you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or role, but as the field of conscious presence.You can only lose something that you have. Not something that you are. Eckhard Tole.

4. Do not settle for something less. If you're at the end of the road, choose rather not to settle at all. If you notice red flags and uncertainty, don't take a risk. Never venture into the unknown with someone who spins out stories like it's the truth, someone who has no principles in life and someone who has no idea what it means to have a connection with somebody or anybody. Me

1244

.....

To that someone,
something about me is that I can feel and somehow 'know' something just by the twitch of an eye, a tensed jaw, an averted gaze, clues that tell me something about someone. People don't change overnight. They rarely do. I have been lied to a million times to know how a lie sounds, so don't try pulling that on me. After what that's been told, I am just sick of  being in your little game. I don't have time for it anymore. When there was a chance, you screwed it. And you can never redeem it again. 

Hello Friday!

It's the weekends and I can finally pause and take a breather. Makes me so much happier for some reason. Been quite a week and I am glad it's over. At least for a while. I am surprised to find out that some people can really be thoughtful, sincere, caring and just downright nice. My faith in humanity is restored. Warm, fuzzy thoughts and warm, fuzzy feelings.

Frustrations

Little frustrations that multiply into a big ball of mess. Little triggers that result in unintentional pointless overdramatic emotional responses.

Swallowed

The rain cloud is descending upon me once again. I am surprised by how greatly affected I am by those circumstances and to know that I haven't broken away from it, it's worrying. All those past that did nothing but tore me apart from who I once was. Was there a different me before this? I could barely recall. My body is like a lump of flesh, devoid of hope and spirit. A mere being who trudges on because she knew she should. Nobody gets it because they chose the better route. Nobody understands how it feels like to be drowning and knowing that no one's there. No one's ever going to be there. Lately, it's always about being stuck in a spider web of fear and anxiety. I thought I have moved away from the shadows but it turns out that I have just put my best foot in it.

Whirlwind

Maybe I am naive and idealistic and this crazy world of rigmarole is not going to end, but there's this certain rawness that will always still touch my heart. Let's throw away all those mind games and unsaid words that weigh more than anything a swaying broken branch can bear. Little tip here, if you're feeling unhappy, just grow some flowers.

I read a quote somewhere and it made my day. It goes like this,

" I saw three little birds on the window sill and they told me not to worry."

Things have been like a whirlwind for me right now. I am always worrying about things, it's driving me insane.

I know, people say, "Enjoy your youth, enjoy the process of growing up." But I feel old. And to be honest, I have felt old since I was 10. It's not uncommon for me to sit down on the couch and think back in retrospect about how far I have come in life. 

"A decade, that isn't a very short time," I used to ponder. 

The Dream That Can Never Come True

Yes, it's all there painted in black and white

Shrouds of grey filling up the edges

The unattainable

Why does my heart say something 

Yet my action is another

Wouldn't it be better to quell the pain

Than to explain your actions every single time

To be honest and true about your own intentions

Than to try to make a wrong right

It's always about the core 

Beneath the veils 

The thick hard core that harbors nothing

But a dream that can never come true

Happy happy Day

So, I have checked a lot of things off my list and I have cleaned up this little space of mine. Goodbye half-baked posts. I am feeling lighter than before and I am happy with whatever that is happening so far. The sun is shining and I can smell cupcakes from the kitchen. I am finally leaving all the baggage behind. Cheers to a new beginning.

Dance

Art was supposed to make you feel something. But not everyone felt it. 

It isn't easy being in a room full of mirrors. They point out every little flaw, every single time.Whenever I attend dance lessons, I want so badly to have control over my movements, have precision when it comes to music and to channel my emotions into my dance routine. But sometimes, I fail to master that particular technique, my stubborn muscles refuse to co-operate and my face expression is almost as enthusiastic as a corpse. That's when I become extremely frustrated.

Dance requires dedication. You need to spend hours on the barre to perfect your arabesque. You need to have control when doing a pirouette. And when I was a kid, the word, 'dedication' did not exist in my dictionary.I wanted to stay at home, make bougainvillea crowns and dig at dirt. Everything was more interesting than being caught in a room where someone would be shouting at you to point your toes and lift your arms. It didn't help that my father was rather skeptical about it. He told me that when my bones become brittle and my muscles grow weak, there's no point of it anymore. Or maybe, he said that as a joke.

Well,of course, I didn't listen to him because in the end, I became quite connected to dance and end up spending almost half of my lifetime on it. And now, I am officially retired. Life's full of plot twists. :)

Spiritualism

If things don't turn out that well, you can always make a great story out of it.

I have always been interested in spiritualism but I never really made any effort towards it. For a while, I thought it was just because I yearn for escapism but after thinking through, I realised it's very close to the way of life I want to lead. Just like everyone else, I grew up among the greed for power, the constant hunger for riches and materials and the admiration towards people who had insurmountable social influence. The ongoing reality of one-upmanship and how some people revel every time they put others down made me sick to my stomach. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It's my perception and I wouldn't want to impose it on anyone else. It never occurred to me to want to change those who truly believe that's how the world works, because they're not very far from the truth. I just want to make a difference in the way I think, the way I react and the way I live my life. I have no idea how will  this work out for me, but I want to try.

Sometimes, very bad things happen to you and you can't help but feel bitter. The world is falling down on you and you wish things are different but you don't have the ability to change it. That's when you feel helpless. It happens repeatedly for a few times and you will start blaming yourself and everything else. It's like all doors are slammed at your face. Whenever your effort goes unappreciated and those who don't deserve it got all the luck in the world, you lost faith in the world. You lost faith in yourself. And it takes a lot of hard work to pull yourself back up again. It's because you put too much pressure on yourself to succeed in this world and become too attached to it, you've forgotten to look inside yourself instead.

The first step on embracing spirituality is accepting yourself and all your flaws.( Duh, I know right?) Many people have tried to mask their shortcomings and only want to show their best to the world. Sure, the world may be fooled but you cannot fool yourself. Being caged in your own flaws and being scared about someone finding it out must be a miserable state to be in. While it might be easier said than done, I believe that in small steps, everyone can learn to love themselves in and out. To understand that our physical being is just a temporary shell of flesh, we should focus on our spiritual growth instead. This is a cliche and a well-known fact yet how many of us really want to believe and accept it? It's not easy to begin with, I understand because I have always had trouble with this concept. I have known this, from talk shows, books, from wiser people but I never really understood what that really meant till now. To be honest, I thought people who try to sell this idea were just being 'politically correct' and all those 'true beauty comes from within' talks irked me. It's because I haven't reached that state of mind to see the truth beneath everything. Like everyone else, I was blinded.

This path isn't going to be easy.Sociopaths are everywhere and people are going to hate you, misunderstand you and judge you, but if you have a true purpose in life and a soul which is clean from all the filth in this materialistic world, you can gain spiritual strength to overcome some of the challenges thrown at you. It's not easy to live among those who are so paradoxically different from you in their choices of life, but it's not impossible. I want a peaceful mind and a peaceful soul above anything else in life. I guess I just had my true spiritual awakening.

Love is the absence of judgement-Dalai Lama

If you like words...

There's a thin line between believing and wanting to believe.

When I write, it's not always about me. Part of me, sometimes. Completely about me, no, unless stated. But everything that I have written might not entirely reflect how or what I am feeling at the moment. It might be how I have felt in the past, or how I think I will feel in future. 

There will never be any restrictions. 

One of the best thing about writing is trying to write about something you have no clue about, things you have never felt and values you don't believe in and try to make it believable. Writing about a foreign thought and making it sound like yours, it's not easy, it doesn't always come out the way you want it too. Sometimes, it sounds as if you're trying too hard to fake it. 

I know it's always natural for people to assume that what you have written reflects on you as a person. 

My say, not necessarily. 

I write about things that makes no sense to me when I feel like it. And my source of inspiration is always 'other people'. I don't really appreciate it when people expect me to be a certain way because my writing gave them that feeling. A single word can have thousands of interpretations. String them together, and they will bring out limitless possibilities.

Among reflections

Not everything in the world needs dealing with.

The silver line on the side of his cheek

Reminded me of something

A justification

Lost among identities

The casual existence of senses

And the availability of a solid judgement

Conforming irrelevances
Continued piling up perceptions

Against pillars of truth

But,
I can still see the silver line

Among reflections.

Biting into clouds

Are you gossiping or analysing characters?

Choices. Crossroads. Puzzles.

And a childhood dream

Uncalculated risks and faded hopes

Torn, crumpled and forgotten

For doubt and trepidation took over

When the tides are low

Break against the wall, they say

Only to face limitless uncertainty?

Ride against currents

How precarious?

Treading on familiar pathways and normalcy

Tell me, what are the odds?

A common route

With no signboards

Of stones and sand and the howling wind

They are old and used

Very recognisable

And you think I can handle that?

Words and words alone

When it rains, it pours.

He could never forget the pinching ache at the edge of his heart and the shocking realisation that came with it when he finally noticed that
he was standing alone all this while when he thought that he had someone who would back him up. Trust. If only he knew what exactly that word meant.

It came like a lightning bolt. Shocking yet the effects are daunting. How could someone that he once trusted to share his most private feelings and emotions with, turn against him? How could someone that he once grew up with and went through difficult times together, turn out to be the one behind his downfall?

The fury that blasted and the dull, lingering pain was hard to bear. Especially when truth, honesty and sincerity were exchanged with nothing but lies, deceit and ill-intentions.

How foolish of him to put his faith on an invisible connection that he thought existed? 
Because it seemed that naivety and a pure heart were obvious weaknesses and they fell deep into manipulations.

It still bugs him because Karma hasn't been doing his job very well and was always way off his mark. It doesn't mean that if he didn't hurt people, they wouldn't hurt him. Feelings and emotions are fragile and bitter memories could bite to the core of your brain, engraved for infinity. 

  To use and discard people like objects, to treat others like nothing but steps in which they stomped on to elevate themselves, to fake an attachment for the sole sake of getting rid of their loneliness, to spin a web of well-thought lies to fool the unknown and to pull the trigger at the person who once helped them and cared for them. How could the human heart be so spiteful and unnerving, so full with malice and vengeance?