pointless rambles

Monday, 25 August 2014


Art was supposed to make you feel something. But not everyone felt it. 

It isn't easy being in a room full of mirrors. They point out every little flaw, every single time.Whenever I attend dance lessons, I want so badly to have control over my movements, have precision when it comes to music and to channel my emotions into my dance routine. But sometimes, I fail to master that particular technique, my stubborn muscles refuse to co-operate and my face expression is almost as enthusiastic as a corpse. That's when I become extremely frustrated.

Dance requires dedication. You need to spend hours on the barre to perfect your arabesque. You need to have control when doing a pirouette. And when I was a kid, the word, 'dedication' did not exist in my dictionary.I wanted to stay at home, make bougainvillea crowns and dig at dirt. Everything was more interesting than being caught in a room where someone would be shouting at you to point your toes and lift your arms. It didn't help that my father was rather skeptical about it. He told me that when my bones become brittle and my muscles grow weak, there's no point of it anymore. Or maybe, he said that as a joke.

Well,of course, I didn't listen to him because in the end, I became quite connected to dance and end up spending almost half of my lifetime on it. And now, I am officially retired. Life's full of plot twists. :)

Tuesday, 19 August 2014


If things don't turn out that well, you can always make a great story out of it.

I have always been interested in spiritualism but I never really made any effort towards it. For a while, I thought it was just because I yearn for escapism but after thinking through, I realised it's very close to the way of life I want to lead. Just like everyone else, I grew up among the greed for power, the constant hunger for riches and materials and the admiration towards people who had insurmountable social influence. The ongoing reality of one-upmanship and how some people revel every time they put others down made me sick to my stomach. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It's my perception and I wouldn't want to impose it on anyone else. It never occurred to me to want to change those who truly believe that's how the world works, because they're not very far from the truth. I just want to make a difference in the way I think, the way I react and the way I live my life. I have no idea how will  this work out for me, but I want to try.

Sometimes, very bad things happen to you and you can't help but feel bitter. The world is falling down on you and you wish things are different but you don't have the ability to change it. That's when you feel helpless. It happens repeatedly for a few times and you will start blaming yourself and everything else. It's like all doors are slammed at your face. Whenever your effort goes unappreciated and those who don't deserve it got all the luck in the world, you lost faith in the world. You lost faith in yourself. And it takes a lot of hard work to pull yourself back up again. It's because you put too much pressure on yourself to succeed in this world and become too attached to it, you've forgotten to look inside yourself instead.

The first step on embracing spirituality is accepting yourself and all your flaws.( Duh, I know right?) Many people have tried to mask their shortcomings and only want to show their best to the world. Sure, the world may be fooled but you cannot fool yourself. Being caged in your own flaws and being scared about someone finding it out must be a miserable state to be in. While it might be easier said than done, I believe that in small steps, everyone can learn to love themselves in and out. To understand that our physical being is just a temporary shell of flesh, we should focus on our spiritual growth instead. This is a cliche and a well-known fact yet how many of us really want to believe and accept it? It's not easy to begin with, I understand because I have always had trouble with this concept. I have known this, from talk shows, books, from wiser people but I never really understood what that really meant till now. To be honest, I thought people who try to sell this idea were just being 'politically correct' and all those 'true beauty comes from within' talks irked me. It's because I haven't reached that state of mind to see the truth beneath everything. Like everyone else, I was blinded.

This path isn't going to be easy.Sociopaths are everywhere and people are going to hate you, misunderstand you and judge you, but if you have a true purpose in life and a soul which is clean from all the filth in this materialistic world, you can gain spiritual strength to overcome some of the challenges thrown at you. It's not easy to live among those who are so paradoxically different from you in their choices of life, but it's not impossible. I want a peaceful mind and a peaceful soul above anything else in life. I guess I just had my true spiritual awakening.

Love is the absence of judgement-Dalai Lama

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

If you like words...

There's a thin line between believing and wanting to believe.

When I write, it's not always about me. Part of me, sometimes. Completely about me, no, unless stated. But everything that I have written might not entirely reflect how or what I am feeling at the moment. It might be how I have felt in the past, or how I think I will feel in future. 
There will never be any restrictions. 

One of the best thing about writing is trying to write about something you have no clue about, things you have never felt and values you don't believe in and try to make it believable. Writing about a foreign thought and making it sound like yours, it's not easy, it doesn't always come out the way you want it too. Sometimes, it sounds as if you're trying too hard to fake it. 

I know it's always natural for people to assume that what you have written reflects on you as a person. 
My say, not necessarily. 

I write about things that makes no sense to me when I feel like it. And my source of inspiration is always 'other people'. I don't really appreciate it when people expect me to be a certain way because my writing gave them that feeling. A single word can have thousands of interpretations. String them together, and they will bring out limitless possibilities.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Among reflections

Not everything in the world needs dealing with.

The silver line on the side of his cheek
Reminded me of something
A justification
Lost among identities

The casual existence of senses
And the availability of a solid judgement

Conforming irrelevances
Continued piling up perceptions
Against pillars of truth

I can still see the silver line
Among reflections.

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Biting into clouds

Are you gossiping or analysing characters?

Choices. Crossroads. Puzzles.
And a childhood dream
Uncalculated risks and faded hopes
Torn, crumpled and forgotten
For doubt and trepidation took over
When the tides are low

Break against the wall, they say
Only to face limitless uncertainty?
Ride against currents
How precarious?
Treading on familiar pathways and normalcy
Tell me, what are the odds?

A common route
With no signboards
Of stones and sand and the howling wind
They are old and used
Very recognisable
And you think I can handle that?

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Words and words alone

When it rains, it pours.

He could never forget the pinching ache at the edge of his heart and the shocking realisation that came with it when he finally noticed that
he was standing alone all this while when he thought that he had someone who would back him up. Trust. If only he knew what exactly that word meant.

It came like a lightning bolt. Shocking yet the effects are daunting. How could someone that he once trusted to share his most private feelings and emotions with, turn against him? How could someone that he once grew up with and went through difficult times together, turn out to be the one behind his downfall?

The fury that blasted and the dull, lingering pain was hard to bear. Especially when truth, honesty and sincerity were exchanged with nothing but lies, deceit and ill-intentions.

How foolish of him to put his faith on an invisible connection that he thought existed? 
Because it seemed that naivety and a pure heart were obvious weaknesses and they fell deep into manipulations.

It still bugs him because Karma hasn't been doing his job very well and was always way off his mark. It doesn't mean that if he didn't hurt people, they wouldn't hurt him. Feelings and emotions are fragile and bitter memories could bite to the core of your brain, engraved for infinity. 

  To use and discard people like objects, to treat others like nothing but steps in which they stomped on to elevate themselves, to fake an attachment for the sole sake of getting rid of their loneliness, to spin a web of well-thought lies to fool the unknown and to pull the trigger at the person who once helped them and cared for them. How could the human heart be so spiteful and unnerving, so full with malice and vengeance?