Green Tea, Sushi and Comforters

 Time flew by this week. It happened so fast. After each sunshine, night falls. Every day, I learnt something new. I learnt that it's foolish to always put others above yourself but I would do it anyway. In the end, I am calm and at peace with myself and that's the only thing that matters.

.....

Yes, maybe you're right. I would never find anyone who would think of me as you do. And I would keep repeating my mistakes. But I have to thank you for seeing things in me that I have never seen myself. And thank you for liking me even though it might be as small as a speckle of dust. I am sorry I wasted your time due to my inconsistencies and inability to make up my mind. 

I don’t know where we are connected, but I’m sure the knot is somewhere in a strange distant world-Haruki Murakami

Late October

It's time for:

Deja Vu

It's so hard for me to do it even though it isn't the first time. It's hard for me to do it every single time. Why must this happen over and over again? To know you did something that has the possibility to hurt someone in any way possible. To know your uncertainty not only affects you but also somebody else. How can you sit back and let your vagueness be doomed upon others when they have deserved so many more things that you can never offer?

And lastly, why are they all puzzles that can never seem to fit? Life, stop playing games with me already.

Uncertainty

:)

First weekend in what felt like centuries when I can stay indoors and just lie in bed. And not do a single thing. Funny how when I have time in my hands, I choose to do nothing. (I know I'll regret this...)

Some Things

That simple

Remember to Stop to Smell The Flowers

So many thoughts in my mind the past week. :) Funny how when I reread whatever I have written I just feel plain foolish and start questioning myself, "Was I in my right mind when I wrote this?" I sure as hell need more endorphines in my system.

I know I am all about 'chasing my dreams' and all that crap but sometimes, happiness might just be the prerequisite for all of it. That's what I have been missing. Probably. 

Been talking about childhood memories with the roomie and I realised how different our growing-up experiences were. How we all started out as ingenues and then strangely morph into something else and how I couldn't remember exactly when cynicism and sarcasm started to proliferate inside me and toxify my brain.

On a side note, I believe everyone who crossed your path in life has a certain role. It's either they are here to help you out or teach you a lesson.

Ode

Dear sky and earth,

I choose to whisper my thoughts to you. Of all the misfortune and pebbles that hurt the sole of my feet as I walk along this twisted path, there's a clarity in me; and I am out here to seek for peace and the truth. To have all the sorrow to be added to my debt, I would rather see it in mine rather than anyone else's. The song of woe and misery is beautiful in my ears. They reminded me that to be able to feel is human. This bleak and morbid outlook of life might annoy and irritate the ignorants for it is them who are lucky enough to be blessed with abundance. To learn that the world itself is far from the ideal, it is like swallowing a bitter pill.

Forgive those who have mistreated us.

Life's A Riddle

Your life can twist and change in the space of six hours.

Time is not like long stretchy candy. It isn’t infinite.

Your days are shorter now. Do you see that?

Never rely on your dreams as a means of escape.

They are not real.

Even though you’re breathing normally, it’s always there.

In the corner of your eye, you can see it resting.

Sometimes things are not going to be okay.

Call your family more often. They miss you more than you know.

The words “I love you” are not to be used as punctuation.

Say a word over and over again and it loses its meaning.

It becomes a mess of syllables. It tangles up in its limbs.

Chase through all of the Augusts in your life.

Keep your eyes wide open. Look around you.

Take it all in. You came with nothing, you leave with nothing.

Believe in something bigger than yourself.

Once in a while, it’s okay to talk to imaginary people.

Write more letters to people. They smile when they see you.

You might be the only thing that keeps someone smiling.

Be careful with how you say goodbye.

-Pavorst

Life Lessons

1.Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, prettier, luckier and have connections…” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.  
Neil Simon.

2. Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world. It requires profound purpose, larger-than-self kind of understanding. Bill Bullard.

3.Give up defining yourself-to yourself or to others. And don't be concerned by how others define you. When they define you, they're limiting themselves, so it's their problem. When you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or role, but as the field of conscious presence.You can only lose something that you have. Not something that you are. Eckhard Tole.

4. Do not settle for something less. If you're at the end of the road, choose rather not to settle at all. If you notice red flags and uncertainty, don't take a risk. Never venture into the unknown with someone who spins out stories like it's the truth, someone who has no principles in life and someone who has no idea what it means to have a connection with somebody or anybody. Me

1244

.....

To that someone,
something about me is that I can feel and somehow 'know' something just by the twitch of an eye, a tensed jaw, an averted gaze, clues that tell me something about someone. People don't change overnight. They rarely do. I have been lied to a million times to know how a lie sounds, so don't try pulling that on me. After what that's been told, I am just sick of  being in your little game. I don't have time for it anymore. When there was a chance, you screwed it. And you can never redeem it again. 

Hello Friday!

It's the weekends and I can finally pause and take a breather. Makes me so much happier for some reason. Been quite a week and I am glad it's over. At least for a while. I am surprised to find out that some people can really be thoughtful, sincere, caring and just downright nice. My faith in humanity is restored. Warm, fuzzy thoughts and warm, fuzzy feelings.

Frustrations

Little frustrations that multiply into a big ball of mess. Little triggers that result in unintentional pointless overdramatic emotional responses.

Swallowed

The rain cloud is descending upon me once again. I am surprised by how greatly affected I am by those circumstances and to know that I haven't broken away from it, it's worrying. All those past that did nothing but tore me apart from who I once was. Was there a different me before this? I could barely recall. My body is like a lump of flesh, devoid of hope and spirit. A mere being who trudges on because she knew she should. Nobody gets it because they chose the better route. Nobody understands how it feels like to be drowning and knowing that no one's there. No one's ever going to be there. Lately, it's always about being stuck in a spider web of fear and anxiety. I thought I have moved away from the shadows but it turns out that I have just put my best foot in it.

Whirlwind

Maybe I am naive and idealistic and this crazy world of rigmarole is not going to end, but there's this certain rawness that will always still touch my heart. Let's throw away all those mind games and unsaid words that weigh more than anything a swaying broken branch can bear. Little tip here, if you're feeling unhappy, just grow some flowers.

I read a quote somewhere and it made my day. It goes like this,

" I saw three little birds on the window sill and they told me not to worry."

Things have been like a whirlwind for me right now. I am always worrying about things, it's driving me insane.

I know, people say, "Enjoy your youth, enjoy the process of growing up." But I feel old. And to be honest, I have felt old since I was 10. It's not uncommon for me to sit down on the couch and think back in retrospect about how far I have come in life. 

"A decade, that isn't a very short time," I used to ponder.